Tomorrow is the day we go back to school after a two week winter break. I don't know if I'll ever walk into those doors feeling the same after the shooting in CT. I know there have been school shootings before, but I don't remember one where so many wonderful, brave, innocent people died. There were so many heroes that day, so many brave men and women who saved so many lives.
The weekend after the shooting was a very busy one for me. My son was in a performance that kept us busy all weekend. I really didn't have a chance to process what had happened. That Monday during announcements, we had a moment of silence for the children of Sandy Hook Elementary. That was when it hit me. Standing in my classroom with my 22 third graders sitting in front of me. I found myself looking around my classroom. There are no bathrooms in there, no large closets to hide children in. Could I somehow shove all 22 of them in the cabinets if I needed to? Would it be safer to shove them out the window into the courtyard? Do they all know what to do in case of an emergency?
I teared up during our moment of silence. When announcements were finished, I began to tell the children that they are safe at school. We do drills and discuss what to do in an emergency. We do this not because of Sandy Hook; we have always done this. I tried my very hardest not to cry as I was talking to my students, but then I looked at his face. My own little boy is in my class. Can I keep him safe? Can I keep that promise to him? I had to turn away to gather my composure and then went on with the day.
A few minutes later, I looked up and one of my students was crying. I called her over to me and asked if she was upset about the shooting. She said she was and started crying harder. I didn't know what to say. How do you explain something to a nine year old when you don't understand yourself. I did the best I could, I hugged her and cried with her.
You see, I'm no hero. In all honesty, I don't know what I would do if someone came into our school threatening to hurt my students. I hope I would have the sense about me to do what those brave people at Sandy Hook did. I hope I would know just how to keep my kids safe. I practice the drills, I can tell you what I am supposed to do, I just can't guarantee that it would be enough.
Truth is, I'm a teacher, not a hero.
