I'm No Hero

Tomorrow is the day we go back to school after a two week winter break.  I don't know if I'll ever walk into those doors feeling the same after the shooting in CT.  I know there have been school shootings before, but I don't remember one where so many wonderful, brave, innocent people died.  There were so many heroes that day, so many brave men and women who saved so many lives.

The weekend after the shooting was a very busy one for me.  My son was in a performance that kept us busy all weekend.  I really didn't have a chance to process what had happened.  That Monday during announcements, we had a moment of silence for the children of Sandy Hook Elementary.  That was when it hit me.  Standing in my classroom with my 22 third graders sitting in front of me.  I found myself looking around my classroom.  There are no bathrooms in there, no large closets to hide children in.  Could I somehow shove all 22 of them in the cabinets if I needed to?  Would it be safer to shove them out the window into the courtyard?  Do they all know what to do in case of an emergency?

I teared up during our moment of silence.  When announcements were finished, I began to tell the children that they are safe at school.  We do drills and discuss what to do in an emergency.  We do this not because of Sandy Hook; we have always done this.  I tried my very hardest not to cry as I was talking to my students, but then I looked at his face.  My own little boy is in my class.  Can I keep him safe?  Can I keep that promise to him?  I had to turn away to gather my composure and then went on with the day. 

A few minutes later, I looked up and one of my students was crying.  I called her over to me and asked if she was upset about the shooting.  She said she was and started crying harder.  I didn't know what to say.  How do you explain something to a nine year old when you don't understand yourself.  I did the best I could, I hugged her and cried with her.

You see, I'm no hero.  In all honesty, I don't know what I would do if someone came into our school threatening to hurt my students.  I hope I would have the sense about me to do what those brave people at Sandy Hook did.  I hope I would know just how to keep my kids safe.  I practice the drills, I can tell you what I am supposed to do, I just can't guarantee that it would be enough.

Truth is, I'm a teacher, not a hero.

So, That's How They Do It

I got the great idea this summer of having my nine year old son (well, eight at the time) join the cast of Miracle on 34th Street.  I mean, how hard can it be, right?  They have four months to rehearse and get everything set up.  This is going to be one of the easiest things I've done! Ha! Ha! Ha!

I learned several very important lessons and I'm going to do you a favor and share them with you, because I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.

First of all, don't sign your kid up for a play that your friend's children are also in.  When friends know certain things, like you have taken a couple of cake classes, maybe, you end up getting signed up to do certain things, like make a giant four foot prop cake for example.  When asked to make this four foot prop cake, I thought, no problem, I can do this.  20 hours later with the help of my step-mom, we had a beautiful four foot (OK, maybe five) pink and white very sparkly birthday cake.  Phew!  My part is done (and I learned a ton about paper mâché and tissue paper flowers!)

Oh, wait, what's that?  Full dress rehearsal is in six days and half of the actors don't have costumes?  Oh, of course I'll stay and spend seven hours (along with my step-mom) to make costumes.  I mean, really, I'm not going to leave my nine year old son at sixteen hours of rehearsal this weekend by himself (second mistake...leave him there!), so what else do I have to do?

Third mistake..."Oh, you're a teacher?  Great!  We could really use your help backstage to help keep the kids quiet.  Wear all black to the final dress rehearsal."  Um, oh, OK.  This is the part that I think is actually going to be the hardest, but it hasn't happened yet.  Try keeping thirty children ranging in age from nine to 65 quiet for five hours.  Yay!  That's going to be fun!  (Insert sarcastic face here.)

Fourth mistake (and this is just reiterating the third mistake), staying with said nine year old son at every dress rehearsal (they started at four hours once a weekend, ended with eight hours twice a weekend).  "We need a gavel, can you make one?"  "Does anyone have stuff for the three men in a tub?"  "These red suspenders are too long...can you help shorten them?"  "I can't find my costume!"  "Can you make 14 red envelopes addressed to Santa by tomorrow?"  "Can you help me create a teaching guide for teachers?"

Can you help me find my bottle of wine? 

So, yes, this has been a great experience and my son (and I) has really learned so much.  Being the drama kid that he is, he has had a great time and is excited for show time.  I really have a lot more respect for all of the shows that Tahoe Players has put on in the past...I really had no idea how hard it was!

I can't wait for my son to be the shining star (well, shining support character) in the fourteen (no, that wasn't a typo) shows he's in, I know he'll do great in his first big production!  And truth be told, I secretly hope I hear someone whisper, "Did you see that amazing cake?"  "Look at how cute those letters to Santa are!" or "Wow!  Those red suspenders are amazing!" ;)

Who Should be President?

Wow!  So much political opinion has been thrown at me lately, I think I just might go crazy!  I find it funny that people on Facebook keep posting articles and making comments that either support their candidate or show how horrible the other candidate is.  Do you really think that first of all, I 'm going to read the article that you posted that was written by your political party and second of all, I'm going to let that sway my vote?  I don't have time to read these biased articles.  And, let's face it, don't most of us already know who we are going to vote for?  I'm pretty sure the 15 articles you just posted on Facebook is not going to change anyone's vote.  In fact, all you are doing is clogging my wall and pissing me off. 

So, who should be president?  I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, or even who I'm going to vote for (although if you know me, you already know).  I will, however, tell you what I want to see in a president.  Unfortunately, I don't think this person exists.

I want a president who, no matter who he (or she) pisses of, will stand up for what he believes in.  Don't say what you think you want the people to hear.  Tell me how you REALLY feel. 

I want a president who believes that all people, black, white, brown, purple, yellow, green, male, female, gay, straight, should be treated equally.  Don't pay me less because I am a woman, don't deny my friend benefits because he is black, or gay.

I want a president who believes that as an educated woman, I can make my own decisions about my own body.  You have never walked in my shoes or lived in my world.  Why do you think you know what is best for me?

I want a president who will put America first.  I love my country, I really do.  I want to fix what is wrong here, then we will be in a better position to help other nations.  There are so many poor and hungry children here, can't we help them?

I want a president who believes that everyone is entitled to great health care, especially children.  It is not fair that a person with a pre-existing condition can't find a new job, a better job, because they will lose the health care that pays for life saving medications.  It's not fair that children (who really are the only innocent ones in this whole f-ed up situation) have to suffer because their parents can't afford to buy the medication that could save their lives.  It's not fair that they have to suffer through the pain and embarrassment of having major dental issues because their parents can't afford the dental care that is needed.  Children should never, ever be denied health care.

I want a president who understands that it does take money to run the country.  Taxes are necessary, there is no doubt in my mind about that.  I want someone who thinks everyone should pay their fair share.  Is that a percentage, a sliding scale?  I'm not sure.  I do think that there must be a fair way to figure this out.

I want a president who makes education a priority.  History shows, you either spend the money on education today or prisons tomorrow.  I also want a president who understands that every child will NEVER score 100% on every test.  Educations needs a total re-haul in this country.  We need to look to the European nations who offer trade schools and colleges.  Not every child is college bound, or should be.  We need trades people, and there has been a sharp decline in these fields lately.  Why not offer these courses in high school...and watch the drop out rate make a sharp decline.

I want a president who will listen to the people, all of us, and then make what he truly thinks is the best decision for the nation, the entire nation, not just the rich, not just the poor, not just the middle class.  What is best for ALL of us, for Americans? 

I want a president who will do that.  That's who I want to vote for.

Learning to Say Goodbye

I've decided that the crappy part of life is that it ends way too soon. 

We lost our precious dog, Betty last weekend.  She was our first pet, before our children, before having a house, before having real jobs.  She was truly a part of our family.

Betty was a most interesting dog.  She resembled a dingo, funny looking girl, with really big ears.  In fact, we even called her RBE sometimes.  We first met Betty at Petsmart when they were doing a Love a Pet adoption event.  Betty had been brought in with a rope around her neck; the employees thought she was a junk yard dog.  She ran over and peed on my foot and right then I knew I had to have her.  We brought her home and she ran around our small apartment like a mad dog.  She would pee on the floor every time we came home and tore up the carpet during thunderstorms. 

As Betty grew older, we all learned so much.  Betty learned to go pee only outside and we learned how to replace carpet.  She never did grow out of her fear of thunderstorms, although once her hearing went out, she stopped tearing up the carpet.

Betty turned out to be such a great dog.  She loved back packing and would swim in a lake for hours.  She once lead us right to the camp on a rainy night in a forest so dark, you could barely see your hand in front of you.

When we brought home our children, she loved them immediately.  She was very protective of them and was so patient as they climbed all over her and pulled her tail.  She scared the bad guys away and helped us to feel safe.

Six years ago, we were told that Betty had Cushings and had only six months to live.  Those vets didn't know Betty very well.  She lived those six years with a happiness, energy and love for life that only a dog can have.

When we brought home our puggle, Miley, four years ago, Betty accepted her as her own.  She cared for her and loved her.  They were best buds.  Miley is so lonely without her momma dog to care for her.

The last few months of Betty's life were difficult.  She would watch the other dogs swim at the lake, longing to be able to join them, but just not sure enough of herself to do it.  She had a hard time walking on the laminate floor and sometimes her legs would slide out from beneath her and she would get stuck.  She would only eat her dinner if we mixed it with chicken broth or some other yummy treat.  She had gone deaf and blind.  Although her death has been hard, I know she is out of pain and is running around on Rainbow Bridge.

Betty lived a much longer life than we ever thought.  Those extra years were a gift to us.  She was a great dog and she will always be a part of our family.

It's Always the Good Ones

I have met so many wonderful children in my life.  That's one of the benefits of being a teacher.  You meet these amazing little people and you know that someday they will grow up into amazing big people.  I know that these little people will make a difference in the world, some of them more than others.  One in particular, has already made a difference in my world.

I went to a fundraiser tonight for a little boy I had in my class in first grade.  This year stands out to me because I had my daughter in my class this year.  It was an amazing year.  I met one of my good friends that year as we team taught and learned so much from each other.  We had 36 little people in our room.  Some of them made us laugh, some of them made us cry and some of them made us want to quit our jobs!

I'll never forget one little guy.  I'll call him Fred.  Fred was such a little bugger!  He would get angry at us and hide his head in the cubbies or crawl under the desk so we couldn't get to him.  Fred had a tough life.  His parents were getting divorced and there was a lot of heartache in this six year old little boy.  Fred had to catch the bus at 7:20, but school didn't start until 9:00, so he was often hungry way before lunch.  I always bought string cheese to keep in the refrigerator and when Fred started getting cranky, I'd give him a piece.  It seemed to help him a lot.

Fred left our school toward the end of the year, but he was back the following year.  I'll never forget those dimples when he smiled.  He would always greet me with a big smile and hug in the hallway.  He moved schools again during this school year.  He was in fifth grade.

A couple of weeks ago, we got a flier emailed to us for a fundraiser for Fred.  He has a brain tumor.  I found out through teachers at his current school that the tumor was found when he started having seizures.  I couldn't believe that this sweet boy was so sick.  I knew I had to go and see Fred at this event.

I was so happy when I saw Fred.  He looked up at me and another teacher from our school and smiled such a big smile.  He said, "I was wondering if you would come!"  I told him I wouldn't miss this night because I love him so much.  He didn't look sick.  Other than a new pair of glasses, he looked like the same little boy I had in first grade.  I hugged Fred so tight.  I sure do miss seeing that face around school.

I don't know how sick Fred really is.  I know that he has a tumor in his brain that was causing seizures.  I believe the seizures are under control thanks to the medication he is taking.  I understand that he will be having surgery soon to try to remove the tumor.  I want him to be the healthy, happy ten year old boy that he deserves to be.

I can't explain why I love Fred so much.  I tend to like the kids who are little stinkers in class, but truly have the kindest hearts you can imagine.  I will never forget that little boy who hid his head in the cubbies and ate the string cheese out of my fridge.

I hope beyond hope that Fred is going to be ok.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.

I Am a Teacher

I am a teacher.  If I am doing my job well, some days your child will not like me, but he will know that I always love him.  It is my job to find things that interest your child so that he has the desire to learn.  In this way, I am in the business of putting myself out of business.  I can facilitate your child's education, but I cannot force your child to learn.  He has to do this on his own.  My job is to help him find the passion to teach himself.  My job is to show you what your child is capable of.  Sometimes you will think that I am too strict or that I expect too much.  I know that your child can do things you never thought possible if given the chance.  I will not hold your child's hand as he learns, but I will be there to catch him if he falls.  I am a teacher.

Dark Chocolate, Sea Salt, Red Wine and Tea

I am finally at a point in my life where I think I deserve a little me time.  I used to feel guilty for spending time at the gym unless the kids were in bed or taking a nap during the day.  I have come to realize that these times are important for my sanity.  I now don't mind spending an hour at the gym when the kids are home.  I will take a short nap with no regrets.  These are all little victories that make my life so much sweeter.  I am a better mother, wife, person because of these times.

My latest indulgences are dark chocolate laced with sea salt and a glass of red wine.  I know this seems so simple, but to me, it's like a touch of elegance in my day.  I savor the small bits of chocolate and the glass of wine that complements it so well.

My other secret indulgence is a cup of hot tea with a touch of almond milk at night when everyone else has gone to bed.  I hold the warm cup in my cold hands and let the warmth take over my entire body.  Relaxing on the couch with my cup of tea and the remote in my hand, with me in full control...ahh. 

With age has come the ability to find joy in the most simplest of things.  I can't wait to see what lies ahead.