Taking Time for Me

It's been a while since I have written a blog post.  I guess I feel like I don't have anything important to say most of the time.  I decided I'm going to try to post at least once a week for the coming year to help me keep focus on my new endeavor.  What is it, you might ask?  I have decided to go back to school (again) to get my administration certification.

If you are like my daughter, you are asking why?  Don't you have enough on your plate?  The answer is yes, and no.  I have spent the last 15 years of my life focusing on the most important things in my world: my kids.  I have been their taxi driver, scout leader, cheerleader, and teacher.  I stayed at the same school for 10 years because my children were at my school.  I've helped with homework, watched karate, swim lessons, and dance practice and listened to them play piano, guitar, sing, whatever their little hearts are into at the moment.  I have spent so much time loving and caring for them that I forgot about taking care of myself.  My children are growing up now and though they'll still need me for a while, I know the days of staying busy for them are coming to an end.

So now it's my turn.  I earned this time.  I am going to do things for me.  I see an opportunity to better my career and I'm going to take it.  The next 17 months aren't going to be easy; my classes are going to take a lot of my time.  I still struggle with the fact that I am often doing homework instead of playing games or hanging out with my family.  But I'm learning that it's okay to take a few hours out of my week to do something for me.  I'll be a better person for it in the end.

I'll never have money, but I'm oh so rich

This week has been one of those weeks; scratch that, this month has been one of those months, or maybe this year has been one of those years.  I admit it; I've felt sorry for myself, stressed and have been upset.  My life doesn't always go as planned, and, well, it pisses me off sometimes.  My car is making noises it shouldn't be making.  My friends are going on trips I can't go on.  My child didn't get into the school she wanted to;  Sometimes life really stinks.

Yet...most of the time life is so amazing.  I feel like such an ungrateful shit for feeling sorry for myself.  I have an amazing family, a husband who loves me and two children who are really good great kids.  I'm not just saying that, somehow I ended up with these amazing two little people who live in my house, who I really probably don't deserve, yet here they are.  They are smart, talented and well behaved, and they are the loves of my life.

And then there's my job.  I complain about it sometimes, more than I should.  There's a lot of paperwork and some days are really hard.  I couldn't wait to go on a two week break.  But I have to admit.  As I was saying goodbye to the little monsters today, for two weeks, I was sad.  I really will miss them.  And I'm already dreading the end of the school year when I will say goodbye to three of them for good.

For those of you who don't know, I teach preschoolers with autism.  This is my first year after teaching regular education for sixteen years.  I decided I needed a change, so I made a huge one.  The first few weeks I was really afraid I had made a big mistake.  I felt like I didn't know what I was doing and was flying by the seat of my pants.  There are still times that I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, but then sometimes I feel like I am really making a difference in these kids' lives.  

I have seen some amazing things happen with these little people this school year.  I've seen language grow, social skills emerge and even some huge academic improvements.  I've changed lots of diapers (although my amazing aides have changed hundreds more) and I've kissed lots of boo boos.  Today, though, I saw some changes in some of my little people that made my heart grow three sizes.  

I saw a little guy share who has never wanted to share before, offering a toy to another little boy.  I heard another little guy, who could barely talk in August, say my name.  And I got a kiss from my newest little guy who spent hours screaming just a few short weeks ago.  

These may seem like small milestones to you, but to me, they are the world.  We work so hard with our little friends to show progress like this, and today, I saw it working. 

So, I don't have a lot of money, and as a teacher, I never will expect to.  But my life is so rich.  

My Plea

My plea to parents:

Teach your child manners.  He should say, "Thank you," when someone does something for him and, "You are welcome," (not "sure") when someone thanks him.  He should hold the door when he is the first one through.  He should place the napkin on his lap at the table and smile when someone walks by.

Teach your child empathy.  She should notice when someone is upset and try to make the person feel better.  She should understand when someone wants to be left alone, but be there when someone needs a shoulder to cry on.  She should know not to judge a person before walking in his shoes.

Teach your child respect.  He should not talk back to a person in authority.  He should look a person in the eyes when talking.  He should listen when being spoken to.  He should treat others the way he wants to be treated.

Teach your child kindness.  She should keep her mouth shut if she doesn't have something nice to say.  She should say nice things.  She should invite the new kid to play with her.  She should stand up for the kid who is being picked on.

Teach your child responsibility.  He should accept consequences for his actions.  He should work to be sure those consequences are few and far between.  He should do his homework without complaint.  He should have chores, and do them on a regular basis.  He should do what he says.

Teach your child cleanliness.  She should shower regularly.  She should keep her teeth brushed and her hair combed.  She should wear clean clothes (or at least start out in them).

Teach your child safety.  He should look both ways before crossing the street.  He should wear a helmet when appropriate.  He should watch for cars when riding his bike.  He should walk with others to and from school.  He should know where to go in case of an emergency.

Most of all, teach your child love.  Be sure your child knows you love her.  Be sure your child knows he is your world.  Be sure your child knows what she means to you.  Never, ever let a day go by that you don't tell him, "I love you."

I'm No Hero

Tomorrow is the day we go back to school after a two week winter break.  I don't know if I'll ever walk into those doors feeling the same after the shooting in CT.  I know there have been school shootings before, but I don't remember one where so many wonderful, brave, innocent people died.  There were so many heroes that day, so many brave men and women who saved so many lives.

The weekend after the shooting was a very busy one for me.  My son was in a performance that kept us busy all weekend.  I really didn't have a chance to process what had happened.  That Monday during announcements, we had a moment of silence for the children of Sandy Hook Elementary.  That was when it hit me.  Standing in my classroom with my 22 third graders sitting in front of me.  I found myself looking around my classroom.  There are no bathrooms in there, no large closets to hide children in.  Could I somehow shove all 22 of them in the cabinets if I needed to?  Would it be safer to shove them out the window into the courtyard?  Do they all know what to do in case of an emergency?

I teared up during our moment of silence.  When announcements were finished, I began to tell the children that they are safe at school.  We do drills and discuss what to do in an emergency.  We do this not because of Sandy Hook; we have always done this.  I tried my very hardest not to cry as I was talking to my students, but then I looked at his face.  My own little boy is in my class.  Can I keep him safe?  Can I keep that promise to him?  I had to turn away to gather my composure and then went on with the day. 

A few minutes later, I looked up and one of my students was crying.  I called her over to me and asked if she was upset about the shooting.  She said she was and started crying harder.  I didn't know what to say.  How do you explain something to a nine year old when you don't understand yourself.  I did the best I could, I hugged her and cried with her.

You see, I'm no hero.  In all honesty, I don't know what I would do if someone came into our school threatening to hurt my students.  I hope I would have the sense about me to do what those brave people at Sandy Hook did.  I hope I would know just how to keep my kids safe.  I practice the drills, I can tell you what I am supposed to do, I just can't guarantee that it would be enough.

Truth is, I'm a teacher, not a hero.

So, That's How They Do It

I got the great idea this summer of having my nine year old son (well, eight at the time) join the cast of Miracle on 34th Street.  I mean, how hard can it be, right?  They have four months to rehearse and get everything set up.  This is going to be one of the easiest things I've done! Ha! Ha! Ha!

I learned several very important lessons and I'm going to do you a favor and share them with you, because I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.

First of all, don't sign your kid up for a play that your friend's children are also in.  When friends know certain things, like you have taken a couple of cake classes, maybe, you end up getting signed up to do certain things, like make a giant four foot prop cake for example.  When asked to make this four foot prop cake, I thought, no problem, I can do this.  20 hours later with the help of my step-mom, we had a beautiful four foot (OK, maybe five) pink and white very sparkly birthday cake.  Phew!  My part is done (and I learned a ton about paper mâché and tissue paper flowers!)

Oh, wait, what's that?  Full dress rehearsal is in six days and half of the actors don't have costumes?  Oh, of course I'll stay and spend seven hours (along with my step-mom) to make costumes.  I mean, really, I'm not going to leave my nine year old son at sixteen hours of rehearsal this weekend by himself (second mistake...leave him there!), so what else do I have to do?

Third mistake..."Oh, you're a teacher?  Great!  We could really use your help backstage to help keep the kids quiet.  Wear all black to the final dress rehearsal."  Um, oh, OK.  This is the part that I think is actually going to be the hardest, but it hasn't happened yet.  Try keeping thirty children ranging in age from nine to 65 quiet for five hours.  Yay!  That's going to be fun!  (Insert sarcastic face here.)

Fourth mistake (and this is just reiterating the third mistake), staying with said nine year old son at every dress rehearsal (they started at four hours once a weekend, ended with eight hours twice a weekend).  "We need a gavel, can you make one?"  "Does anyone have stuff for the three men in a tub?"  "These red suspenders are too long...can you help shorten them?"  "I can't find my costume!"  "Can you make 14 red envelopes addressed to Santa by tomorrow?"  "Can you help me create a teaching guide for teachers?"

Can you help me find my bottle of wine? 

So, yes, this has been a great experience and my son (and I) has really learned so much.  Being the drama kid that he is, he has had a great time and is excited for show time.  I really have a lot more respect for all of the shows that Tahoe Players has put on in the past...I really had no idea how hard it was!

I can't wait for my son to be the shining star (well, shining support character) in the fourteen (no, that wasn't a typo) shows he's in, I know he'll do great in his first big production!  And truth be told, I secretly hope I hear someone whisper, "Did you see that amazing cake?"  "Look at how cute those letters to Santa are!" or "Wow!  Those red suspenders are amazing!" ;)

It's Always the Good Ones

I have met so many wonderful children in my life.  That's one of the benefits of being a teacher.  You meet these amazing little people and you know that someday they will grow up into amazing big people.  I know that these little people will make a difference in the world, some of them more than others.  One in particular, has already made a difference in my world.

I went to a fundraiser tonight for a little boy I had in my class in first grade.  This year stands out to me because I had my daughter in my class this year.  It was an amazing year.  I met one of my good friends that year as we team taught and learned so much from each other.  We had 36 little people in our room.  Some of them made us laugh, some of them made us cry and some of them made us want to quit our jobs!

I'll never forget one little guy.  I'll call him Fred.  Fred was such a little bugger!  He would get angry at us and hide his head in the cubbies or crawl under the desk so we couldn't get to him.  Fred had a tough life.  His parents were getting divorced and there was a lot of heartache in this six year old little boy.  Fred had to catch the bus at 7:20, but school didn't start until 9:00, so he was often hungry way before lunch.  I always bought string cheese to keep in the refrigerator and when Fred started getting cranky, I'd give him a piece.  It seemed to help him a lot.

Fred left our school toward the end of the year, but he was back the following year.  I'll never forget those dimples when he smiled.  He would always greet me with a big smile and hug in the hallway.  He moved schools again during this school year.  He was in fifth grade.

A couple of weeks ago, we got a flier emailed to us for a fundraiser for Fred.  He has a brain tumor.  I found out through teachers at his current school that the tumor was found when he started having seizures.  I couldn't believe that this sweet boy was so sick.  I knew I had to go and see Fred at this event.

I was so happy when I saw Fred.  He looked up at me and another teacher from our school and smiled such a big smile.  He said, "I was wondering if you would come!"  I told him I wouldn't miss this night because I love him so much.  He didn't look sick.  Other than a new pair of glasses, he looked like the same little boy I had in first grade.  I hugged Fred so tight.  I sure do miss seeing that face around school.

I don't know how sick Fred really is.  I know that he has a tumor in his brain that was causing seizures.  I believe the seizures are under control thanks to the medication he is taking.  I understand that he will be having surgery soon to try to remove the tumor.  I want him to be the healthy, happy ten year old boy that he deserves to be.

I can't explain why I love Fred so much.  I tend to like the kids who are little stinkers in class, but truly have the kindest hearts you can imagine.  I will never forget that little boy who hid his head in the cubbies and ate the string cheese out of my fridge.

I hope beyond hope that Fred is going to be ok.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.

Whose Rights Are They, Really?

Being a teacher who has to give real letter grades on report cards for the first time in 14 years has really been difficult.  What do these grades really mean?  It seems that no matter what grades I give, they are not a true representation of every child.  When I give one student an A who always works above grade level, does that mean the same thing as the A I give the student who's work I modify every day? 

It also turns out that I'm quite a sucker.  For some reason I gave the students who have regular behavior problems a B in citizenship.  Of course, they don't deserve a B, but what grade do they deserve?  In my frustration, I told my husband, "I'm just going to give everyone a C!  They can all be average!"

This got me thinking.  Don't we teach children that we are all average these days?  We don't teach our children that putting your best effort and working hard are important.  We teach them that we are all "equal".  We all have the same opportunities, the same chance to go to college, the same chance to be successful.  What a load of crap!

Those of you who know me know that I am pretty liberal, and this blog may surprise some of you, but I'm tired of this passivist attitude.

My first experience as a parent with this new way of thinking was when my children signed up for softball/t-ball as young children.  After each game, my children asked me who won.  Um, I don't know, we don't keep score.  At the end of the season, everyone got a trophy.  EVERYONE GOT A FRIGGING TROPHY!!  What are we teaching these kids?  If you sit around and watch the bunnies, you get a stupid, meaningless trophy? 

Next was the science fair, which I help run at our school.  We couldn't do first, second and third place anymore because we might hurt someone's feelings.  We will simply buy a different ribbon for the kids who get to go to the regional fair.  WHAT??!!  If you put the most effort and did the best project, you deserve the shiny blue ribbon!  You earned that ribbon!

Now that I think about it, not only do we not reward the "good" children, the hard working children, but we reward those children who regularly get in trouble.  The ones who need to learn to make better choices.  My daughter is a straight A student who NEVER gets in trouble.  She also has not received the "Principal's Award" in 2 1/2 years.  The students who get into trouble regularly sure have earned it, though.  What are we teaching these children?  Follow the rules and you will be ignored.  Break the rules, cause problems and we will jump at your command, give you a hug when you hit someone and give you a sticker when you remember to say thank you. 

Frankly, I'm sick and tired of this attitude.  I am sick and tired of students taking away from my children's learning.  I'm tired of children being able to hurt another child "because he has a disability and he has rights".  What about my child's rights?

My dream job would be to open a school where only children who want to learn can come.  You hurt other children, talk back, get violent?  See ya!  Imagine what I could do.  I could take these children on the most amazing field trips because I would know they wouldn't cause problems, get hurt or embarrass me.  I could teach them so much more without the distractions.  I could teach them to teach themselves.  I could become the facilitator, not the teacher.  I could have amazing results.

I know the new idea is to send every student to college, make every student average.  Imagine our lives in an average world.  Who would cure cancer?  Who would start the path to world peace?  Who would make my damn french fries at McDonald's?  I like those french fries.

What Really is Important in Life?

I had one of the scariest nights ever tonight.  My good friend's son was missing...for three hours.  It was so horrible and I felt so helpless.  Thankfully, he was found safe and sound.  It really makes you think, however. 

This sweet boy is only eight years old.  He walked out of school and hadn't been seen since.  Jered happened to be at school and as soon as we heard the office do an all-call for him, we walked around the outside of the school.  Nowhere.  We went inside and found out that he was not on the school bus or at home.  That's when panic started to set in, but just a bit.  We have children go "missing" all the time.  They are always found within thirty minutes at a friend's house.  This boy was missing for three hours!  That never, ever happens.  After the first hour, you start to think that maybe things won't go so well.  When it starts getting dark and rainy, you really start to panic.  I found myself searching empty fields for this child, my friend's child.  What if I would have found something horrible?  I can't even bare to think of it.

I can't begin to explain the support that showed up for this family.  Not knowing what else to do, I put his picture on my Facebook page and started texting his picture to everyone I know locally.  People replied immediately.  Friends who don't even know the child or his family came to the school to help canvass the neighborhood.  Teachers came back to school, on a Friday night, to help look for him.  School police, office staff, sheriff.  This boy was GOING to be found.

Thankfully, he was found at a friend's house.  There had been a miscommunication about what was supposed to happen after school.  I am so happy to report a happy ending to my story.

But this story made me think.  What if we didn't find him?  How would that change things?  My friend's life?  My life?  Suddenly my dirty house, my bills, my stresses in life seem so....so petty.  Really, what matters in life?  My family, my friends, my children and my amazing community matter.  I am still so overwhelmed and humbled by the support we received tonight.  People who don't even know them dropped everything, on a Friday night, when they really just wanted to go home and rest, to find this child.  And they don't regret a second of it.

That's what's important in life.  This amazing, wonderful life.