What my son learned in elementary school

My son has four days left in elementary school.  Four days and then he becomes a stinky, hormonal middle schooler.  I was lucky enough to have my children with me at elementary school, and having my baby go on to middle school is taking it's toll on this mommy.  Not only is he going off to be with big kids, but I won't be there to keep an eye on him.  I've had one of my babies close by for the last nine years, and now they will both be on their own (so to speak).  I know this is harder on me than him and he is ready for the change.  I know this because of what he learned in elementary school.

My son learned to read, write, and do math in elementary school.  He knows the constitution, the history of our country and state, and how to write a paragraph.  He learned to add, subtract, multiply, and divide.  I know he's ready for the academic challenges of middle school.  But my son learned so much more than this.

He learned that life isn't fair.  He learned the smart kids, the well behaved kids, the kind kids, aren't the ones who earn the awards.  He learned working hard and doing well isn't going to get you that trophy or that medal.  He learned the students who really deserve the recognition don't get it.  Really, just ask him.

And in spite of this, he learned working hard and doing what's right is important, even if you don't get the recognition.  Knowing what is right, and doing what is right, that feeling you get, that is more important than the piece of pizza at Principal's Lunch or the piece of paper at the award ceremony.  Amazingly, though he hasn't been recognized for three years for never getting in trouble, having good attendance, or having a grade below a C, being a good student is important to him.

So tonight I thank the teachers at his school.  Not for being supportive (though there were a couple who were), or for being a good role model, but for teaching him a lesson.  Sometimes it really is the "bad kids" who get all of the credit...and the "good kids", well, they are just good because they know it's the right thing to do.  I know this is a lesson my son will carry with him for the rest of his life.  I just wish he would have learned it a different way.

I'll never have money, but I'm oh so rich

This week has been one of those weeks; scratch that, this month has been one of those months, or maybe this year has been one of those years.  I admit it; I've felt sorry for myself, stressed and have been upset.  My life doesn't always go as planned, and, well, it pisses me off sometimes.  My car is making noises it shouldn't be making.  My friends are going on trips I can't go on.  My child didn't get into the school she wanted to;  Sometimes life really stinks.

Yet...most of the time life is so amazing.  I feel like such an ungrateful shit for feeling sorry for myself.  I have an amazing family, a husband who loves me and two children who are really good great kids.  I'm not just saying that, somehow I ended up with these amazing two little people who live in my house, who I really probably don't deserve, yet here they are.  They are smart, talented and well behaved, and they are the loves of my life.

And then there's my job.  I complain about it sometimes, more than I should.  There's a lot of paperwork and some days are really hard.  I couldn't wait to go on a two week break.  But I have to admit.  As I was saying goodbye to the little monsters today, for two weeks, I was sad.  I really will miss them.  And I'm already dreading the end of the school year when I will say goodbye to three of them for good.

For those of you who don't know, I teach preschoolers with autism.  This is my first year after teaching regular education for sixteen years.  I decided I needed a change, so I made a huge one.  The first few weeks I was really afraid I had made a big mistake.  I felt like I didn't know what I was doing and was flying by the seat of my pants.  There are still times that I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, but then sometimes I feel like I am really making a difference in these kids' lives.  

I have seen some amazing things happen with these little people this school year.  I've seen language grow, social skills emerge and even some huge academic improvements.  I've changed lots of diapers (although my amazing aides have changed hundreds more) and I've kissed lots of boo boos.  Today, though, I saw some changes in some of my little people that made my heart grow three sizes.  

I saw a little guy share who has never wanted to share before, offering a toy to another little boy.  I heard another little guy, who could barely talk in August, say my name.  And I got a kiss from my newest little guy who spent hours screaming just a few short weeks ago.  

These may seem like small milestones to you, but to me, they are the world.  We work so hard with our little friends to show progress like this, and today, I saw it working. 

So, I don't have a lot of money, and as a teacher, I never will expect to.  But my life is so rich.  

I'm No Hero

Tomorrow is the day we go back to school after a two week winter break.  I don't know if I'll ever walk into those doors feeling the same after the shooting in CT.  I know there have been school shootings before, but I don't remember one where so many wonderful, brave, innocent people died.  There were so many heroes that day, so many brave men and women who saved so many lives.

The weekend after the shooting was a very busy one for me.  My son was in a performance that kept us busy all weekend.  I really didn't have a chance to process what had happened.  That Monday during announcements, we had a moment of silence for the children of Sandy Hook Elementary.  That was when it hit me.  Standing in my classroom with my 22 third graders sitting in front of me.  I found myself looking around my classroom.  There are no bathrooms in there, no large closets to hide children in.  Could I somehow shove all 22 of them in the cabinets if I needed to?  Would it be safer to shove them out the window into the courtyard?  Do they all know what to do in case of an emergency?

I teared up during our moment of silence.  When announcements were finished, I began to tell the children that they are safe at school.  We do drills and discuss what to do in an emergency.  We do this not because of Sandy Hook; we have always done this.  I tried my very hardest not to cry as I was talking to my students, but then I looked at his face.  My own little boy is in my class.  Can I keep him safe?  Can I keep that promise to him?  I had to turn away to gather my composure and then went on with the day. 

A few minutes later, I looked up and one of my students was crying.  I called her over to me and asked if she was upset about the shooting.  She said she was and started crying harder.  I didn't know what to say.  How do you explain something to a nine year old when you don't understand yourself.  I did the best I could, I hugged her and cried with her.

You see, I'm no hero.  In all honesty, I don't know what I would do if someone came into our school threatening to hurt my students.  I hope I would have the sense about me to do what those brave people at Sandy Hook did.  I hope I would know just how to keep my kids safe.  I practice the drills, I can tell you what I am supposed to do, I just can't guarantee that it would be enough.

Truth is, I'm a teacher, not a hero.

It's Always the Good Ones

I have met so many wonderful children in my life.  That's one of the benefits of being a teacher.  You meet these amazing little people and you know that someday they will grow up into amazing big people.  I know that these little people will make a difference in the world, some of them more than others.  One in particular, has already made a difference in my world.

I went to a fundraiser tonight for a little boy I had in my class in first grade.  This year stands out to me because I had my daughter in my class this year.  It was an amazing year.  I met one of my good friends that year as we team taught and learned so much from each other.  We had 36 little people in our room.  Some of them made us laugh, some of them made us cry and some of them made us want to quit our jobs!

I'll never forget one little guy.  I'll call him Fred.  Fred was such a little bugger!  He would get angry at us and hide his head in the cubbies or crawl under the desk so we couldn't get to him.  Fred had a tough life.  His parents were getting divorced and there was a lot of heartache in this six year old little boy.  Fred had to catch the bus at 7:20, but school didn't start until 9:00, so he was often hungry way before lunch.  I always bought string cheese to keep in the refrigerator and when Fred started getting cranky, I'd give him a piece.  It seemed to help him a lot.

Fred left our school toward the end of the year, but he was back the following year.  I'll never forget those dimples when he smiled.  He would always greet me with a big smile and hug in the hallway.  He moved schools again during this school year.  He was in fifth grade.

A couple of weeks ago, we got a flier emailed to us for a fundraiser for Fred.  He has a brain tumor.  I found out through teachers at his current school that the tumor was found when he started having seizures.  I couldn't believe that this sweet boy was so sick.  I knew I had to go and see Fred at this event.

I was so happy when I saw Fred.  He looked up at me and another teacher from our school and smiled such a big smile.  He said, "I was wondering if you would come!"  I told him I wouldn't miss this night because I love him so much.  He didn't look sick.  Other than a new pair of glasses, he looked like the same little boy I had in first grade.  I hugged Fred so tight.  I sure do miss seeing that face around school.

I don't know how sick Fred really is.  I know that he has a tumor in his brain that was causing seizures.  I believe the seizures are under control thanks to the medication he is taking.  I understand that he will be having surgery soon to try to remove the tumor.  I want him to be the healthy, happy ten year old boy that he deserves to be.

I can't explain why I love Fred so much.  I tend to like the kids who are little stinkers in class, but truly have the kindest hearts you can imagine.  I will never forget that little boy who hid his head in the cubbies and ate the string cheese out of my fridge.

I hope beyond hope that Fred is going to be ok.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.

I Am a Teacher

I am a teacher.  If I am doing my job well, some days your child will not like me, but he will know that I always love him.  It is my job to find things that interest your child so that he has the desire to learn.  In this way, I am in the business of putting myself out of business.  I can facilitate your child's education, but I cannot force your child to learn.  He has to do this on his own.  My job is to help him find the passion to teach himself.  My job is to show you what your child is capable of.  Sometimes you will think that I am too strict or that I expect too much.  I know that your child can do things you never thought possible if given the chance.  I will not hold your child's hand as he learns, but I will be there to catch him if he falls.  I am a teacher.

Whose Rights Are They, Really?

Being a teacher who has to give real letter grades on report cards for the first time in 14 years has really been difficult.  What do these grades really mean?  It seems that no matter what grades I give, they are not a true representation of every child.  When I give one student an A who always works above grade level, does that mean the same thing as the A I give the student who's work I modify every day? 

It also turns out that I'm quite a sucker.  For some reason I gave the students who have regular behavior problems a B in citizenship.  Of course, they don't deserve a B, but what grade do they deserve?  In my frustration, I told my husband, "I'm just going to give everyone a C!  They can all be average!"

This got me thinking.  Don't we teach children that we are all average these days?  We don't teach our children that putting your best effort and working hard are important.  We teach them that we are all "equal".  We all have the same opportunities, the same chance to go to college, the same chance to be successful.  What a load of crap!

Those of you who know me know that I am pretty liberal, and this blog may surprise some of you, but I'm tired of this passivist attitude.

My first experience as a parent with this new way of thinking was when my children signed up for softball/t-ball as young children.  After each game, my children asked me who won.  Um, I don't know, we don't keep score.  At the end of the season, everyone got a trophy.  EVERYONE GOT A FRIGGING TROPHY!!  What are we teaching these kids?  If you sit around and watch the bunnies, you get a stupid, meaningless trophy? 

Next was the science fair, which I help run at our school.  We couldn't do first, second and third place anymore because we might hurt someone's feelings.  We will simply buy a different ribbon for the kids who get to go to the regional fair.  WHAT??!!  If you put the most effort and did the best project, you deserve the shiny blue ribbon!  You earned that ribbon!

Now that I think about it, not only do we not reward the "good" children, the hard working children, but we reward those children who regularly get in trouble.  The ones who need to learn to make better choices.  My daughter is a straight A student who NEVER gets in trouble.  She also has not received the "Principal's Award" in 2 1/2 years.  The students who get into trouble regularly sure have earned it, though.  What are we teaching these children?  Follow the rules and you will be ignored.  Break the rules, cause problems and we will jump at your command, give you a hug when you hit someone and give you a sticker when you remember to say thank you. 

Frankly, I'm sick and tired of this attitude.  I am sick and tired of students taking away from my children's learning.  I'm tired of children being able to hurt another child "because he has a disability and he has rights".  What about my child's rights?

My dream job would be to open a school where only children who want to learn can come.  You hurt other children, talk back, get violent?  See ya!  Imagine what I could do.  I could take these children on the most amazing field trips because I would know they wouldn't cause problems, get hurt or embarrass me.  I could teach them so much more without the distractions.  I could teach them to teach themselves.  I could become the facilitator, not the teacher.  I could have amazing results.

I know the new idea is to send every student to college, make every student average.  Imagine our lives in an average world.  Who would cure cancer?  Who would start the path to world peace?  Who would make my damn french fries at McDonald's?  I like those french fries.